I'll Be Here
by helpless.smile
Summary: Set after Elissa Dies, Lilly tries to help Scotty. OK, i know im really bad at writting summaries but you should still read it! : Its LS and Christina is not in it
1. I'll Be here

**_This is set after Elissa dies in season2, i know this happened ages ago but i have been watching reruns and i dont like what happened after. So, im gonna write how i wish it went :) This is my frst fic, so im a little nervous, but feel free to tell me all the negative stuff about my writting! If its bad and you hate it then tell me and i won't continue but if you like it i will continue so make sure you review. thanks!!_**

**_oh and its Lilly's POV_**

**I'll Be Here**

He opened the door slowly. No Hi, no smile, he just stood there motionless. His eyes were deep,  
overcome with sadness. This wasn't the guy i knew, this wasn't my partner. I had never seen him like this, unshaved, hair a mess, he was so, so ... blank. I stood there looking at him, thinking about what to say. Maybe i should have thought about that before i knocked, but anyway too late now. He was staring back at me, directing those lifeless eyes into mine waiting for me to say something.

"Boss told me you'd be here." Not the greatest greeting, but it was something at least.  
I waited for him to answer. Nothing. He opened the door completely and stepped aside guesting for me to come in, but still no words left his mouth.

I walked in and looked around. The curtains were shut, the TV was off, phone unplugged... He had cut himself off from the world.

"I'm really sorry Scotty," I said in a sympathetic voice.  
"You didn't do anything." His words were quiet,drowned by pain, i knew how he felt. He lost someone who he loved, cared for,someone who meant the world to him. I could relate.  
"I know, but you know what i mean. I know how you must be feeling, i really do." It was silent. All i could hear was him breathing.  
"I can leave if you want me to," I said. I didn't really know why i had come in the first place, Boss had told me not to come, give him some time, some space. What did i think i could do?  
Make him forget about Elissa, How the hell would i be able to do that?

I was just about ready to turn around and leave his apartment, but then i heard him speak.  
"No, You can stay. I could use some company," his lips curved upwards. Wait, was this a smile?  
Yes, it was! In the 5 minutes id been here this was the first change he had made in his face.  
I smiled back, unsure of what to say.  
"Boss know your here?" I shook my head.  
"Is it too dark in here for you," he asked.  
That question shocked me a bit, his girlfriend just died, he had pretty much closed himself away from the rest of the world, i come round to see how he is and one of the first things he asks me is if its light enough for me.  
"A little, but its fine," i answered honestly.  
He walked over to the curtains and pulled them open. He squinted as his eyes ajusted themselves to the light. As the sun light beamed its way through the glass windows the atmosphere of the apartment changed immediately. Somehow having the sun illuminate through the once dark room made it feel as though everything would get better... eventually.  
"Perfect," I said softly as Scotty walked back over and sat down on the couch. I followed his lead and sat down. Neither of us spoke a word.  
"Lil, i don't know what I'm going to do." The sorrow and pain had once again returned to his voice.  
"It will get better," I said trying to comfort him.  
"But thats the thing, i don't know what to do without her, I've known her my whole life and loved her equally as long. Things won't just get better." He choked out his words, his eyes welling with tears. He didn't blink, I could tell he was trying to pull them back.  
"You got to have some hope, Scotty. Life is going to go on, no matter what happens, It will I promise you. But you also got to know that it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel like this, but just try to remember that everything gets better with time, trust me," i explained sitting closer and resting my arm around his shoulder, comforting him.  
He looked up to the roof, shut his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to control his emotions.  
"I'll be here Scotty, whatever you need, I'll help, ok?" He nodded to me as I stood up.  
"I'll give you some time, you know where to find me.." I walked to the door.  
"Thanks Lil," He said, his voice almost a whisper as i left his apartment.


	2. Already?

_**I forgot to mention before that i dont own anything .. **__**First i'd like to say**_

_**Thank you to Ciane, Barbydancer, GiLmOrE-fan-SvU-freak, mrrichards1 (atleast i think it was a compliment?), pealee(Who helped me with some ideas for this chapter) and takenbyhim for the reviews! I'm glad you guys liked it.**_

_**Second thing i'd like to say **__**is sorry it took so long for me to update, i promise it wont usually take me this long :)**_

_**This chapter is again in Lilly's POV**_

**I'll Be Here**

I walked down the street on my way to work. The sidewalk was almost deserted as most people had decided to drive to work due to the unusually cold weather for this time of year, but no i had to decide to walk, didn't i? And now here i was freezing, trying to warm up my extremely cold hands.  
I finally arrived at work, and sat down at my desk rubbing my hands together quickly. I started to fill out some paper work as i drowned down a much needed coffee.

I sighed standing up as i saw Scotty walking through the door. It had only been a matter of days since the news of Elissa had been heard and i was sure that Boss had given him more time off then this. I had gone to visit him only that once at his apartment, I'd considered going to see him again but i had decided that it would probably be best to give him some time on his own to figure things out.

He walked in looking at me, that same expressionless look planted on his face.  
"Hey Scotty," I said trying to sound as normal as possible, but i could even tell that i sounded more then less sympathetic. "Hey Lil." His words were as energetic as his facial expression.  
"How are you doing?" The question tumbled from my mouth. This was something i had told my self to refrain from asking, i was sure everyone who he had spoken to since Elissa's death would have asked a question almost identical to mine.  
"Great, Just fine." He sounded almost sarcastic. I waited a second before answering.  
"I'm sorry Scotty, I'm sure you don't need everyone asking you that"  
Scotty nodded slowly, "It's ok... I'm doing ok."

I smiled sitting down at my desk, Scotty sat beside me.  
"What have i missed around here, any new cases?" Scotty asked sounding slightly enthused. It was an imrovement at least. I shook my head, "It's been quiet," I answered honestly. For the last few days all we had been doing was filling out paperwork that should have been completed weeks ago, all waiting for someone or something to bring new direction to a case.  
Scotty stood up. "I'll be right back"  
I watched Scotty walk into the break room.

"Scotty's back already?" Jeffries asked as Vera and himself approached me. "He says he is fine," I answered.  
"Boss told him to take as much time off as he needed," Nick commented.  
"Maybe thats all he needed," I tried to defend Scotty's word.  
"His girlfriend just died Lil, you don't really think he's ready to come back to work and solve some murders that most likely then not have been long forgotten by everyone?" Jeffries questioned me.  
We all looked over to Scotty who was pouring coffee into his mug. He looked down at his drink for a few seconds then took a sip. He then leant back onto the bench and shut his eyes, opening them to take another sip. He continued to drink, his eyes becoming more empty in sync with the coffee that was growing lesser and less in the mug before him.  
"No, i don't think he is. But who are we to say what he can and can not do," I said looking back to my colleagues.

**_well, That was alot shorter then it seemed when i wrote it. i hope you still like this fic. Sorry if it was like bad or like heaps boring, i'll try harder if you hate it._**

**_Please Review :)_**


	3. Trying

**_Thank you guys so much for the reviews, they make me wanna write more and more!_**

**_So, i have decided to write the whole fic in Lilly's point of view, hope ou guys think thats ok :)_**

**_This is probably a rlly bad chapter but yeah i tried, so..._**

**I'll Be Here**

The day went on, everyone less talkative then usual. The only words tossed into the air were from Scotty reassuring the rest of us that he was fine and ready to work, that was whenever the question came up in whatever the little conversation was that we were having.

By noon Scotty and i were making our way out of the building into the impossibly cold weather that had settled outside, assigned a 1999 case which had been closed shortly after it had happened, then swept under the rug, until this morning when a new witness had come out of the woodwork and decided to inform us that she had in fact seen a man named, Rick Hamilton in 99 commit the murder of his girlfriend, Julie Carmen. Scotty and i had agreed to go pay this guy a visit, see if we could get him to crack due to this new direction.

We were both struck by an awkward silence as we made our way over to his car. Scotty unlocked the doors and we both got in. He cranked up the heating and i loosened my scarf, we both hadn't said anything to each other since deciding to go question Rick. I couldn't believe he was fine, no matter how much he tried to convince me. The way he looked.. the way he looked at me,  
even the way he breathed in my direction was different. There was no way that much change could be good, i was sure of it.

"You know, i know what your going through. You don't have to pretend like it was nothing, you know?." My voice was soft, shaky. I had felt the need to say something, probably not the best choice of words though. I knew he was gonna assume i was babying him, pitying him. I guess i was sorta, but by no means was i doing it on purpose. I looked over to Scotty who was staring at the road, his eyes had lost all signs of sadness and from what i could tell had been replaced by pure fury. Oh crap, I'm guessing i maybe should have been a little less direct.  
I cursed at myself. I knew i shouldn't have said anything, but jeez someone was going to have to say something at some point,  
right?  
"You don't even know what your talking about, Lilly!" His voice shocked me, i don't think he had ever spoken to me like this and i couldn't even remember the last time he had called me Lilly."So don't say you know what i am going through coz' you don't know nothin' about it." His words were harsh but i knew it was my fault for saying something.  
I didn't open my mouth after that, I wanted to.. but nothing remotely intelligent came to mind and i didn't want to get him more pissed at me, by saying something that would upset him. I guess i was scared, in a way. Scared? I questioned my own thoughts, Since when had i started being scared of talking to Scotty. Never had i worried so much about choosing the right things to say in front of him and constantly kick myself for saying the wrong. I guess I had realised how much he really did mean to me this last week. Not that i would ever tell him that though, i was sure he must've figured it out by now anyway so what was the point, really?

Within seconds that uncomfortable silence that had dwelled upon us had become unbearable and once again the need to say something worked its way back into my body.  
"Your not the only one who's been through rough times Scotty." Shit, and there i go saying the one thing i didn't want to say to anyone, It had always seemed a statement that would give opportunity to too many questions i needn't wanted asked or answered.

I looked over to Scotty who looked to be searching for something to say, the anger was still there, but i felt as though he was too struggling to find the right words to say.  
"Scotty," I said quietly.  
"Yeah," His response, equally as quiet.  
"I'm sorry"  
"We're here"  
"What?" I said, not the reply i was looking for.  
"We are here." He got out of the car, i sat there looking at him walk round to my side, i got out quickly before he reached it.

An instant chill swept through my body as i was greeted once again with the frosty air. Scotty started to walk up the stairs which led to the suspects house. I looked around, the garden needed some serious weeding and the house looked pretty run down.  
I shivered once again and walked quickly towards Scotty trying to catch up to him.  
"Wait Scotty," I said from behind him. He turned around, his eyes were watery as if tears were urging to be released but he was holding them back.  
"I said i was sorry." "I know"   
I nodded slowly,"You're not going to say anything back"  
"Can't we just get this interview over with," The sadness in his eyes had returned.  
I answered him with no words, just turning around and knocking on the door, it was the response he had wanted.

In less then two hours we had taken him into interrogation and he had broken down and confessed to the murder.  
I found myself standing in the break room holding a mug of warm coffee to my lips with a splitting head ache. Scotty and i had limited ourselves to conversation of no more then roughly two words. He was pissed at me, he didn't have to tell me. I could tell. I was only trying to help him, but i guess it doesn't turn out as well as planned if the person you want to help doesn't want you to interfere. I understood, if i was in his position i most certainly wouldn't take any crap from him, but i felt as though i just needed to try, you know?

I jumped, nearly spilling my boiling caffeine filled mug on me as i heard the door shut.  
"Scotty," I said sounding slightly embarrassed.

**_Like it, hate it? Review Please :)_**


	4. My List

**_My next chapter (MrRichards1 can you please not steal this one, thanks), hope your still liking this story everyone. This chapter isnt very long i guess but i found it really hard to write so i hope its worth my effort haha but seriously. Oh yeah, i still dont own anything or anyone in this fic.. so yeahh. im gonna stop taking now so you can read this chapter and hopefully review it :)_**

**I'll Be Here**

"Hey," he said giving me a small smile. I returned it with a slightly bigger one. He walked closer to me and started to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"Lil." His voice was quiet.  
"Yeah"  
"Sorry," He waited a second. "You know, bout' before," he said this with such sincerity as his eyes sunk into mine like a brick in deep waters. His smile faded, "I just don't need anyone feeling sorry for me or nothin', you know"  
"I didn't mean to.. i don't know, i was only trying to help. It's just i know how easy it is to build up walls, to try and forget about something, forget about everything and just keep living like everything is ok when, i don't know, when it's just.. not. And people try to help you, but you just push them away and then one day you wake up and you realise it's to late to get help and your stuck in a worse place then you were before and there is no way to get out," The words i was saying were tumbling from my mouth uncontrollably, it was as though i had left my actual body and was watching someone else take control of my words and actions and i was just here to watch the mistakes unfold in a front row seat. What the hell was i saying to him? What the hell was i doing? I had to start figuring out an escape route.  
I looked to the ground, trying to hide from the concerned look on Scotty's face which he was giving to me.  
"Lil, what happened?" he whispered. What did i getting myself into? I searched for words, something clever to cover up my foolishness.. but nothing came to mind quick enough, so i stood there literally speechless. I jumped as i felt his hand gently rest on top of mine which i had previously clung to the bench as a means for support. I pulled my hand out from underneath his and quickly took a step back. "No one. Nothing. I am sorry i should have kept my mouth shut. Can we just forget i ever said anything," I spoke quickly, yet my words came out dry and rasp. I felt my throat burn and eyes become wet. I had to get out of here.  
"But, I.." "Please Scotty," I cut him off. I quickly turned my back against him and walked out of the room.  
"Lil, Wait," He called after me. I rushed through the desks that were scattered throughout the department, hurrying towards the restroom, i couldn't dare let anyone see me right now.

Once inside i stared at my reflection, about a million and one thoughts pushing their way through my head like busy traffic. A tear ran down my cheek, i quickly wiped it away. I don't even know why i was crying. Was it purely the fact that i had come so close to telling someone how i really felt? Letting someone know i was as human as the rest, did stupid things, made mistakes?  
I had no idea why i had let myself keep talking, could i not have just stopped speaking after telling him that i was only trying to help? Or even better just have nodded and left it as that?  
No, i had to keep rambling on and make a complete fool of myself.

I felt stupid, scared but mostly embarrassed. Stupid that i had made myself feel like this. I don't tell people things for a reason. This being the main one that comes to mind.  
Scared because i knew Scotty would ask questions, want to know what had happened, want to know more then i was willing to tell.  
And just plain embarrassed because here i was taking his problem and twisting it in the most abnormal way possible to be about me.

He was the one going through hard times right now and i knew he didn't need to hear about my screwed up past any more then the next person did, yet there i was trying to make things better but due to my amazing luck things are always ready to backfire,  
right?  
Great, another mistake to add onto my forever growing list.

**_Like it? Press the review button!_**


	5. Complications

**_Thank you for the reviews.. You're all too kind :) Ok, well i thought i should update now coz i wont be able to for a few weeks because i am going away... so.. yeah sorry if it seems out of character and stuff but i tried my best and thats all i could do, right?_**

**I'll Be Here**

I walked out of the bathroom and seated myself at my desk. I could feel Scotty's eyes watching me,  
but i ignored him, in the hope that he would eventually look away and accept the fact that i was not about to jump at any chances to talk about anything i had just said.

"Lil.." he said hovering above me.  
"What?" I looked up at him.  
"Are you ok?" He looked concerned.  
"I'm fine," I said quickly.  
"Dont worry about before, we dont have to talk about anything if you dont want to"  
"Good," I answered not wanting to say much else.  
"Its just.. who hurt you, Lil." He rested his hand on my shoulder.  
"What?" I answered sharply, jerking his hand off me. He just looked at me, not saying a word.The look in his eyes said enough. I knew he cared and only wanted to help me but even if i wanted to tell him anything it was all just to complicated to explain. I knew he wasn't trying to get me upset or mad all he wanted was to be there for me like i wanted to be there for him .. but i don't need anyone trying to care for me even the slightest bit, what's the point?

"Scotty, no one hurt me. I'm fine.. i promise." Well, i dont know if this lie was even some what convincing.  
He nodded. "Ok." He stood there doing nothing for a few seconds until i heard him let out a sigh,  
"You need a ride home tonight?" I really didn't want to accept his offer, god only knows what he might try to ask me again but its freezing and a lift home did sound alot more appealing then a cold walk to the train station.  
"Yes please, if its ok." "Sure, meet you later, ok"  
"Ok." I watched him walk away from me, sit at his desk and start to fill out some paperwork.  
I don't think i had ever wanted to know what someone else was thinking so badly in my life. Was it obvious that i had put up with so much from so many different people and couldn't take it anymore? Did he realise that I just couldn't allow myself to open up to anyone and tell them how much i needed them? Was everything i did and said coming off as pathetic? "How did i get myself into all this?" I asked myself as i rested my head in my palms.

"You ready to go?" Scotty asked me some hours later.  
I gave him a small smile, "Yeah, i just finished up." I placed the paperwork i had been finishing in a folder which i then put into a drawer in my desk.  
We walked out of the building, my body almost instantly becoming stiff as the cold wind hit my body.  
I shivered putting my hands in my pockets.  
"You ok?" Scotty asked.  
"I'm fine, where is your car?" I replied.  
"Just there," he said walking quicker. I hurried to keep up, with the wind hitting my face, i was sure my nose and cheeks would have by now turned an unwanted shade of pink. I sighed as i walked quicker to the car.

Scotty reached it first, opening and holding the door for me.  
"Thanks Scotty," I said getting into the car. I was relieved when Scotty turned on the heat, warming up my freezing hands.  
We sat there not speaking for a few blocks.  
"You know what you said earlier about trying to pretend nothing happened?" Scotty said breaking the silence.  
"Yeah," I answered so quietly it was almost a whisper.  
"Your right"  
I had no idea what to say. "But the thing i dont get is, How do you expect me to want your help when you dont even trust me"  
he asked looking ahead at the road. "I do trust you Scotty." I answered truthfully.  
"Then why won't you let me help you?" "Because there is nothing to help me with!" I said loudly.  
"You expect me to believe everything you said back there was about nothing? You think I'm that stupid Rush?" His reply louder then mine. I just sat there, not moving or saying anything at all. I felt my eyes fill with tears but unlike normal i let them roll down my cheeks. Scotty looked at me. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that," he said pulling up out the front of my house.  
I opened the door quickly and got out, not wanting to answer. I made my way up the stairs and opened the front door, without looking back.

I stood on the inside of the door, resting my head against the cold wood. I could feel my salty tears hitting my lips. As i heard Scotty's car drive away, i let my legs give in and my body slide down the door. I wiped away my tears, shutting my eyes wondering how i always seemed to get my self into these complications.

**_Please review :) And tell me if you would rather this fic just be about the friendship between Lilly and Scotty or Romance? Coz i cant decide, Thanks!_**


	6. Something Different

**_Thank you for all the reviews :) Sorry I have taken a while to update, I've been busy..but i tried to make this one a little bit longer to make up for it. I hope you like it.. you probably wont but yeah i hope you do!_**

**I'll Be Here**

I could hear the wind picking up, making a whistling sound as it rustled in the streets outside. The sound of raindrops dancing on the glass windows had only been heard for the last minute or so, but I could tell there was a storm coming.

My tears had eventually stopped, but I still hadn't moved from the door. I didn't know how long I had been sitting here, it felt like hours but I was sure it had yet to even be thirty minutes. I smiled at Olivia as she jumped onto my lap, Tripod followed, snuggling against my legs.

"Hey girls," I whispered to them, feeling more comforted by them just being close. I softly stroked their smooth fur, letting out a deep sigh.

I jumped startled, as I heard the loud sound of someone knocking against my door. I watched Tripod and Olivia leap from me and scatter up the stairs.

"Lil, it's me. I need to talk to you," said the voice I instantly recognised as Scotty's. I was too shocked to move from the floor. Honestly, Scotty coming round was definitely the last thing I expected him to do, especially so late at night. What was the time anyway?

"You awake Lil, Please?" He shouted, pounding on the door harder.

I stood up, using the door handle for support. I turned the knob, revealing my half soaked partner. I looked at him, not saying anything, waiting for him to tell me whatever it was that was so important that it couldn't wait till morning. He too, looked at me not saying anything.

"You're all wet," I said.

"It's raining," He replied. I frowned realising what a dumb statement that was for me to make. I opened the door, letting him walk into my living room, leaving a small trail of water behind him with every step he took into my house. He turned around to face me as I shut the door.

"I am really sorry..." He told me quietly.

"Ok," I said. I didn't really know why I was mad at him. But I knew I was and I wasn't ready to get over it. He nodded his head. He really did look sorry, sad sort of... I guess he was expecting me to say something more than ok.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," He explained to me.

"I know that," I said rather abruptly.

"I guess, it's just what I am feeling now, it's hard to believe that anyone else has ever felt like this too. I know that they have, but... I can't explain it, Lil. I miss her so much." He sounded like he was about to break down into tears any second now, I knew he wouldn't though. "You have only been trying to help, I get it. I want you to help me, I really do." I could see how hard it was for him to tell me this by just looking at his face. "But I want you to know that if you need help with anything, I will be here too. All I wanted was to try make you feel better, the way you do for me... You know?"

I smiled at him. I wanted to tell him about the things that bothered me. About everything I had gone through, about the fact that I was forced to grow up way before I should have. The fact that my own sister had ruined the only chance I had at having a successful relationship and the fact I was afraid to even see my mother, I knew I had always been a disappointment to her. It didn't matter how much I tried to prove her wrong, in her eyes I was a failure and I couldn't take her telling me it again. No matter how much she fancied it up, to try and make it sound like she was just helping me... I really couldn't take it. But I was like everyone else, I needed someone there for me, I needed to tell someone. But my partner from work? I don't know... I didn't think he was the one who I should be telling all of these things that forever hung over my head to.

"Do you want me to get you a towel?" I asked, trying to change the subject from me.

He smiled at me, knowing this offer was just another way of mine to say that all was good between us. "Yeah, that would be great. Thanks Lil," He replied.

I walked into the bathroom and found a clean towel, stopping at the mirror before walking back out to give it to Scotty. My hair was screwed up, my cheeks were stained with tears and I had little clumps of mascara underneath my eyes. I looked a wreck. I turned the tap on, dampening my fingers, then wiping them underneath my eyes, trying to make myself look even somewhat better.

After about a minute I gave up on that and headed back out to Scotty, greeting him with a smile. I handed him the towel and he immediately started to dry himself.

"You know you didn't have to come over here to say sorry? It would have been ok to tell me tomorrow or even just call," I told him.

"I wanted to tell you now, in person. I don't think I would've been able to sleep knowing you were mad at me anyway." He looked into my eyes and smiled.

"Thank you Scotty, That means a lot to me." It was true, it really did. The fact that he cared enough about me to come back over and make sure everything was ok between us really meant something to me. Maybe he _was_ the one who I could open up to about everything after all?

"So, everything good between us?" He asked me.

I nodded, "Yeah, it's perfect."

He moved closer, wrapping his arms around me.

"You mean so much to me Lil, you know that?" He whispered into my ear.

I let him hug me, holding me close against his body.

"You mean a lot to me too," I whispered back.

I could feel his warm breath against my neck, sending a chill down my spine. He was moving his head closer to mine and before I could do anything about it I could feel his lips softly pressed against mine. I could hardly take in what was happening. It was wrong, I knew that... but somehow it felt right. Like it wasn't something that shouldn't be happening, it was something that we were supposed to do.

I snapped out of it quickly, as though just jumping back into reality and backed away.

"What... What are you doing?" I said quickly.

He just looked at me as though he too, was just realising what had just happened.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that," the words tumbled out of his mouth quickly. "I'm sorry, Lil."

I looked at the ground, trying to make sense of why I had let him kiss me without pulling away sooner, until it hit me. He was the one who I felt I could open up to, I trusted him more than anyone and I knew he wouldn't hurt me no matter what. Sometimes it just takes something a little different to realise these things.

"No... It's ok," I smiled at him, moving closer till my lips were only inches away from his. He smiled at me, as I leaned forward kissing him slowly. I opened my mouth a little, kissing him more passionately. Pushing him onto the couch, still kissing him as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

Who knows if I would actually end up telling him anything, who knows if this really was a good idea? I didn't have a clue; all I knew was that he was what I wanted... For now at least.

**_well.. i guess i went with romance_**


	7. Pens

**_Here is the next chapter... I dont think there will be many more chapters to come, maybe 2 or 3. or more I actually dont know. But i think you should review... that's pretty much all i know actually._**

**I'll Be Here**

Have you ever noticed that whenever it is you need a pen, you can't seem to find one? You have to search the whole house before you eventually find a red biro, when the form you are trying to fill out says_ No Red Pen_, in small print at the bottom of the page?

Well, sometimes I feel like my whole life is composed of only 'No Red Pen' situations.

Escape. At times that is the only thing I want to do. Take right now for instance, but like always I can't seem to think of an easy way out of this mistake.

I got up, ever so quietly and stood there literally not breathing as I looked at Scotty who was lying asleep on my couch. Shit, along with many other words of profanity, were just about the only things crossing my mind at the moment. Why... How did I even think for a split second sleeping with my co-worker would make _anything_ better? When has that ever helped anyone, seriously?

Heading to the bathroom I tried to think of something or someone to blame, anything at all really. Alcohol would seem to be a pretty good one... Shame I haven't even had a drop of let alone cough syrup in the last week. You would think I might be able come up with more than just that one un-believably, pointless excuse for my actions, wouldn't you? But no for me, that was my first and last idea.

I headed back out to the living room, fully clothed after having a shower. I saw Scotty sitting on the couch, putting his clothes back on. I quickly stopped, turned around and back tracked my way to the bathroom. I leaned on the sink, looking into the square mirror. I breathed in deeply and then let the air back out, trying to calm myself. After doing that a few times, counting to ten and trying every other possible way that there is to make you feel even slightly more relaxed, failing on me I walked slowly back into the living room.

Scotty smiled at me as he stood up, "Morning," he said as though this was all just a normal scenario. I gave him back what I could only describe as a 'sarcastic smile,' as he walked closer to me. "Last night was amazing..." I don't think he realised this was not a 'happy' smile.

"Scotty. Last night... well, last night was... It shouldn't have happened," I explained searching for words.

"So, You didn't think it was amazing?" He asked with a small smile.

"I didn't say that, that isn't what I am trying to say. I am trying to tell you that we shouldn't have done it. It was a mistake...you know that don't you?" I asked him, knowing the answer already.

He stood there, obviously trying to plan what he was about to say. "I didn't think it was a mistake..."

That was not the answer I was hoping for.

"Look, I know you just miss Elissa and I don't expect anything from you, Ok? Except that I would like it if you pretended this never happened."

He looked down, clearly a bit disappointed. He didn't want anything more then to be just friends, did he? Did I? I still needed to figure out answers for both those two questions.

"If that's what you really want," He replied, looking down.

I nodded my head, "That's what you want too, isn't it?" I knew the only reason I was asking this was to assure myself that was in fact what I really wanted.

"Yeah, Lil," He answered, his voice only a fraction louder than a whisper. "We'll just forget it. For the best, right?."

See, he didn't think of me as anything more than just a work colleague anyway.

"I'll let myself out," he said after we both stood in silence for at least a minute. He turned around and walked towards the door.

"I'll see you later," I said quietly after him, as he left my house.

I slunk into the nearest chair, instantly feeling sick. Not the regular sick, this was something different. This was just a sick of everything sick. I wanted him to want to pretend this didn't happen, didn't I? I was suddenly so unsure of everything. I had wanted him to agree with me, but the instant he did my stomach had dropped, almost fallen, I felt disappointed... at least I think that it was disappointment.

But if I felt like this then that wasn't the answer I wanted. Was it? What else could I want though? Did I want him to tell me he didn't want to pretend but he would, only because he wanted what was best? I guess I did a little. Did I want him to tell me he wouldn't forget, because it wasn't a mistake and he actually felt something more the just a friendship between us? That idea seemed a lot more appealing to me. Could that be what I really wanted? I had a bit of an idea that it was...

Maybe he was that blue pen that I would be needing and maybe escaping wasn't the best idea.

**_Usually, I get someone else to read my story before i post it, but no one is home right now so if there are heaps of things that make no sense, Im sorry. _**


	8. Forget

**_Kay welll.. This chapter isnt much of anything and I dont think it is very good, but i thought this fic needed to be updated. So i'm sorry if after you read it and then realize you have wasted like 4 minutes of your life._**

**I'll Be Here**

When I was a kid someone once told me that if I wished hard enough I could make anything happen. I don't remember who told me this but I know I believed it for a little while, that was until I realised that I did not have those magical powers and abilities and that I was like everyone else. I had to live with all the pain that everyone around me created and no matter how much I would close my eyes and wish that things would get better, I couldn't escape it. It was always going to be there, following me where ever I went. However, I know that if I could turn back time and change a few events that I had let happen, last night would definitely make that cut.

I stumbled down the stairs from my bedroom. I could literally feel my heart beating quicker with every step I took. I'm not perfect, far from it. But I seriously thought I would never make a mistake as big as this one. Sleeping with Scotty, how utterly stupid could I get? The answer to that question; apparently a whole lot more than I ever thought possible.

I left my house, to be greeted by weather even colder than it had been in the last few days. Pushing my hands deep into my pockets, I knew catching a cab would most probably be the smartest thing to do, but I needed some time just to think everything through.

You know, I would be lying if I said I had never thought of Scotty in the same way as I had last night. I mean, what women wouldn't? In the last year I had spent more time with him then anyone else and there was no denying the fact that no matter how you looked at him he always seemed to look good. But these thoughts were supposed to be just that. They were locked in my head, where no one would be able to know of them. Putting these thoughts into actions was not something I had wanted to do, but due to my stupid choices they had been. And know knowing that those thoughts when put into actions were even more amazing then one could imagine, it was going to make it that much harder to get those thoughts out of my head. I would though, that was for sure... I had to get them out of my head.

I can't help but wonder if he was at all like me, if he had had thoughts before everything had happened or if last night he was just making one quick rational decision after the next.

What was I thinking? Of course he never had those thoughts. The only thing I was to him was a friend, nothing more and I am fine with that. Well, I _was_ fine with that. All I am now though, is that person who was there to comfort him when he needed it. Except I wasn't just some random girl feeling sorry for him. I care about him. I do more than anything almost, but now having gone and screwed everything up we would both be struck by pure awkwardness every time we saw each other... I just knew it.

I walked into the department, scanning the room for Scotty then sat down at my desk, thankful that he had yet to arrive. Only moments later I lifted my head to see him walking through the door. His eyes caught mine before I had the chance to pretend I was in the middle of reading something. He slightly curved his lips upwards, giving me a sweet smile. I looked away sharply, though I continued to watch him out of the corner of my eye. He made his way closer towards me. Oh shit. He continued making his way closer, until I felt one of his arms softly brush against my shoulder as he continued to pass by me.

"Hey Lil," I heard him say, without any hint of... of anything in his voice.

I attempted to say hi back, but then decided to shut my mouth after it coming out as a non understandable mumble.

To my surprise over the next few hours Scotty acted relatively normal towards me. He spoke to me no more yet no less than normal and he didn't bring up last night. Me on the other hand, I could hardly manage to get three words out of my mouth and every time I looked at him all I could see was him standing in my doorway, dripping wet almost waiting for me to ruin what work relationship we already had.

For Christ's sake, I was the one who told him to forget about it, wasn't I? He was at least pretending like he had, why the hell can't I act that way?


	9. Walls

**_Well, I havnt updated for a while. Sorry about that. Ok, so.. this update is, I dont know. Its a fair bit OOC i think. _**

**_But dont be too harsh coz its 3am and my writing is generally not at its best when its early hours of the morning. But still tell me if its crap, just dont go crazy at me..._**

**I'll Be Here**

Walls, a mile high. That was what I had built. These walls do me fine most of the time. They are what keep me stable after a case is left unsolved, after every short relationship ends in disaster and after I am faced with every unanswerable question that manages to surface from my past. Unfortunately though, walls always seem to break and my walls were no exception. Sometimes when I sink myself too deep into something, tell too much or open up and let who ever or whatever it is know something about me, the only thing I feel is a brick being pulled from inside of me and dissolved into dust. This however, only happens on very rare occasions, because I make sure I realise what is happening before it's too late. Build onto my wall making it that much harder for it to break. But now after years and years of misplacing bricks and then putting them back, I was sure my wall was growing weak. So weak that I wasn't sure how much longer it would hold up.

I am sure many people would think this was a good thing, but I know it is far from that. You see, this wall is me. It makes sure no one is able to come so close that they change me, but most of all I know it will put up one hell of a fight against anyone who tries to hurt me. Hurt me so bad that it would take more time then I have on hand to get back to the old me. The real me.

Anyway, this wall was plummeting down, all thanks to one stupid night. I had let myself feel something for someone who I most definitely shouldn't. I don't even know what this 'something' was, but I knew it was something that I hadn't felt in such a long time that if I had ever felt it, all memories of it were long demolished.

"Lil, Boss wants us over at the vic's girlfriend's house to ask her some questions," Scotty said as he walked into the evidence warehouse. The cool ground which I had sat myself down on a while ago seemed unusually comfortable. I stared at the picture of the man who's murder we had been given to investigate that morning, Patrick Matthews. A life cut short in 1985. His blue eyes were crystal like and his smile showed a perfect set of pearly whites. Sometimes it was hard not to close a case unaffected. Unharmed. Most of the victims just looked like regular people. Those kinds of people who would be the ones who would say 'hello' as you walked passed them and give you a smile, though that was not always the case. But Patrick did look the type, the friendly guy, liked by all and that look always made me think deeper and wonder why someone would want to kill this person. Usually the reason when figured out, was nothing that should cause someone to not be able to live their life.

"Now?" I asked after waking up from my thoughts.

"Yeah, when else?" He said quickly.

"Well, sorry," I said sounding a bit more sarcastic then I intended too. I placed the photo in the box and stood up, lifting it with me. I could feel Scotty's eyes watching me as I walked out of the warehouse and to my desk, where I placed the evidence box.

We headed out of the department building and onto the street where I made my way to Scotty's car, which he had parked around the corner.

Neither one of us said a word, both sitting in silence.

"So, think she will give us any leads," Scotty asked.

"Who?" I said not thinking at all.

"Robin. Patrick's girlfriend."

"Oh... not sure," I answered, my voice slightly shaky. No one, I repeat no one had ever had that affect on me. That I couldn't even get out a constructive sentence when their around. But Scotty just had to have me feeling this way now, didn't he? This was just plain embarrassing. "We'll have to wait and see." Well, obviously.

He parked his car out the front of an old building. We both got up and headed inside, up three flights of stairs and walked to Robin's apartment door.

I knocked on it and waited only a few seconds before a women who looked to be in her early fifties answered the door. She peeked her head out of the apartment, her dark brown hair falling into her face.

"Robin Walker?" I asked.

"Yes?" She replied, looking somewhat confused.

"Detective Valens, my partner Detective Rush," Scotty said nodding his head to me, before I could introduce myself. "We're with homicide."

"What is this about?" The women kept the door only open enough to see her face.

"We are looking into the murder of Patrick Matthews and we were hoping we could ask you some questions about him," I explained to her. As soon as I said his name, her face paled and her eyes swelled with tears.

"Of course," She said opening the door completely, for us to come in.

I looked at Scotty and we both walked in, sitting on the small, cream sofa she directed us to. I could feel my arms touching his, sending an instant chill up my spine. I tried to squash myself up to the beige pillow on the side of the sofa, as far away from Scotty as I could get. As immature as it sounded, it sure was a hell of a lot easier to concentrate without sitting practically on his lap.

"So, you were dating him at the time of his death?" Scotty asked as she sat down opposite us.

She nodded her head slowly. "We were very close. Going to get married, you know?"

"That wasn't in the report," I stated.

"It wasn't official, I just know we would have. He was amazing. Kind to all," she explained. "Couldn't understand why someone would want to... want to kill him." She let a tear roll down her cheek. "Almost 20 years on and I still haven't gotten over him."

"We know this must be hard for you but do you remember if there was anyone who might have had it out for Patrick?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"You sure bout' that?" Scotty asked.

"I would recall it if they did. I have not forgotten anything about him. He was that love that comes only once in your life. Irreplaceable. When you lose someone like that you can't get over them, can't forget even the slightest detail," She said in a soft voice, almost a whisper.

Just by the look in her eyes, you could tell she was still in love with him. I wanted that. Someone to care about me, be part of their life. But I knew I had blown all my chances at a relationship with anybody.

I looked over to Scotty. I wondered if he was thinking of Elissa. Probably. I felt my stomach sink. At that moment I realised something. I wanted to be the one who he thought about. I wanted a relationship with him. Scary as it seemed, I knew I wanted it. But I also knew I couldn't have that... at least not with him.

We finished off with some more questions and left the building, having progressed no further in the case.

"Hey Lil," Scotty said quietly, as we sat down in his car.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"Sleeping with you... you know I don't think it was a mistake. I don't care if you think it was, I just don't," he explained. I looked at him, with an unattractive look of confusion I'm sure.

"What happened to not talking about it," I said hastily, hiding behind my small wall.

"We both know it's not going to be that easy. Well, not for me at least," He said quietly.

As much as I wanted to agree with what he was saying, I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I was sure he was just confused. He had just lost the women who he had loved for god knows how long... he couldn't be thinking straight, could he?

"Look, I know it must be hard to..."

"I didn't go to you last night because I wanted to be with Elissa. I went there to be with you," He cut me off. His words tumbling from his mouth quickly.

"Why... why would you want to do that?" I asked. I didn't know how to feel right now, I was well beyond confused. God, I wanted him to be feeling the same way as I did, I wanted him to tell me that. Because without knowing exactly what he felt I was not going to embarrasses myself by telling him how I did.

"Why do you think, Lil?" He asked sharply. "Because I like you," he said loudly.

"You don't like me..." He couldn't.

"Oh yeah?" He said louder.

"Yeah," I said my voice competing with his.

"Then how come every time I see you all I want to do is smile and whenever you're not around me I wish you were," He asked, his voice winning the competition.

"I can think of many reasons and liking me just is not one," I almost yelled at him, a smile spreading across my face.

"Yeah? Well, can you tell me why you are the last person who I want to talk to at night and why your the first person who I want to see in the morning?" He asked, his voice equally as loud as mine.

I didn't know what to say. I did not expect this... not in a million years. I moved over to his seat, sitting on his lap. My face centimetres from his. I breathed in, not even aware of what I was really doing.

"I dont think I can," I whispered, before moving my head closer to his until our lips met.



Maybe my walls falling down wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

**_nfbghbgfdnm i dont know what to say besides REVIEW and sorry if half the stuff written makes no sense._**


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